"And it was then that in the depths of sleep
Someone breathed to me: 'You alone can do it,
-- Jules Supervielle in "The Call."
there are times I feel strong and on top of things , almost like I don't need the backup support. It's usually times when I'm taking my meds, journaling, staying in my spiritual zone, and not acting on my eating disorder.
Then there are times like now. I hate feeling childish and dependent. I hate that I have relapsed into my eating disorder. But I get scared. I've been physically ill. Im losing my mom to dementia and my place in the family order has bumped up. People depend on me everywhere I turn. I feel I have no soft place to land.
I think this stress is the reason not for my relapse necessarily, but for continuing to act on it. It's all mine. No one can fix me. I can only fix myself.
coming "in the depths of sleep" is powerful. I often have strange dreams - sometimes horrible dreams about my past abuse both from my GF and my mom.. The darkness that surrounds a wake up after a nightmare is permeating. It takes a lot of personal power to get myself together after these times. That's why I think the author picked this time of day and through the method of sleep, quiet, darkness. It's when we listen best. We have to
Im scared to do this alone. I know I can. Ive done it before. But now more than ever I feel the pressure to do so.
I really need support but I'm not asking the right way. I'm acting out and my therapist knows it. It doesn't mean I don't need support though. But perhaps she is trying to wean me for the time she will no longer be there at all.
i need to hit a support group. I need to journal more. I need to let people help me when I need it.
I need to believe I can do this "alone".
Mi hope I grasped the meaning of the quote.