After saying I'd come back to this and write more last night, I actually felt a very strong resistance pulling me back from re-reading what Joanna had written, something about me couldn't do it and wanted to give it a wide berth, but having noticed the resistance, I've been forcing myself to figure out what it's about and re-read what I had initially felt was a very helpful article and set of questions.
I figured that what it comes down to, is feeling "blocked" in the things I want to do, and had previously been pursuing. I wanted to pursue a career in clinical psychology, but I knew that the training for that would be very full on, and too much for me in my current situation (even prior to the divorce), it wasn't going to be practical until my girls are older, and ideally I could relocate - so I planned to get myself the pre-requisite qualifications, ready for when the time was right, so I spent 3 years doing another bachelors degree, and planned to side step into counselling until my girls are older. I did my first counselling qualification, which then permitted me to work for 12 months within a counselling organisation, but then at the end of that year, I was required to begin the more advanced level qualification, I applied and was offered a place at a university which would involve a reasonable amount of travelling, but is the nearest to my home....around the time I was offered that place was when things had become really difficult around the marriage break-up - I didn't know where we'd be living, how I would cope financially, and obviously I wasn't in a great place emotionally - so I decided it was the wrong time to embark upon that training, and the university were fine said they would notify me when they were interviewing for the next cohort and that I'd be guaranteed an interview, which they did, earlier this year. I was excited, I was ready to take up that challenge, but when I looked at the fees schedule, I realised that there's just no way I can afford it - now that I'm sorted out and settled on my own with the girls and I know where my finances are up to, I don't have anywhere near enough money for the travelling, childcare, tuition fees, personal therapy and supervision that it entails ...and so it seems like everything I want to do is "blocked" in some way or other.
I don't think I've really come to terms with having to shelve that (I can tell I haven't by the tears that are falling as I type this) ...I'm still looking for ways to build relevant experience, for ideas for how to sidestep those interests yet again into something else feasible, it's still where all my spare energy goes, and it's still met with brick walls, usually financial/childcare/location ones.
I tell myself to stop the fruitless searching and to use my spare energy on my girls and my home, and enjoying being a mum - and I do enjoy being a mother, but it feels like I need a bit of something that is for me, and I don't really know where to find it.
I think having had a cry as I typed this, has helped ...I'm just not sure whether it's really time to let go and move on, I'm scared that if there is a way or there is something I could be doing, that I just haven't discovered yet, that if I let go and move on, then I will miss out on it - if I move on and I'm happy, I guess it doesn't really matter, I suppose I'm scared of never finding anything else that's the right thing, and having regrets. I've spent over 4 years pursuing these dreams and goals, I worked hard doing my first lot of counselling training and working as a volunteer counsellor alongside my degree - it's hard to just let go of it and start looking for something else.