Thanks for your lengthy reply and your wise words Joanna.
They actually reduced me to tears, tears associated with fear, and with my own inadequacy, I had to go away and think about what you'd said, before I could come back and write a response.
I can't walk back in her house, it's a year next week since I was last there, and I can't go back there.
I only need to see her name in my inbox and my adrenalin kicks in.
I'm too scared of losing everything I have, of jeopardising what I have now, that I never had in the whole 40 years that I had a relationship with her.
I'm still touching myself in disbelief to make sure I'm real, because it's only in the last 6 or 7 months maybe, that I've started to be able to accept that I'm a real person.
I already hold the viewpoint that she isn't a well person, that she can't help it, that she'll never change, and I don't really expect her to change, my therapist believed she'd change, but I never did, but I am not strong enough to tolerate the constant, relentless, verbal assault and aggression when I see her.
I'm still building myself up, I'm not ready to be knocked down again yet.
If I could have any wish for myself, my wish would be that she could respect my wish for no contact, let me go and move on, regard me as dead if necessary - that is what I would truly like - I know it sounds harsh, but that is what I dream of, that is what I wish my future looked like