So I don’t really have those moments of terror anymore (thank goodness and my heart goes out to those who still do!!), but I did have a really good lesson in trust with my therapist this past week and it makes me wonder how much more there is. (I shared some of this in a comment on the “talking about sex” blog, but it seems to stay buried with the new web site). I accidently told my therapist something that I never dreamed I’d ever tell someone. I don’t think I made it a conscious decision to never tell, but I knew as soon as it came out of my month that I had no plan to do that and insistently got scared and embarrassment. According to everything I’ve read, what I told her is perfectly normal for sex abuse survivors, but I think my therapist is correct when she said it’s shame that’s keeping me feeling bad about it (and a number of other things). I’ve been doing some reading and research on shame and I’m sure I have my share!! If intellectually I know this secret is normal and I know it’s not my fault I have it (blame goes to the abuser), then why do I feel I need to hide it? Especially, why do I feel like I need to hide it from the one person who has been there for me for 2.5 years and has never judged anything I’ve said or done?
Joanna, I like what you said about trusting that she can handle what I have to say. Just about every time I want to talk about sex I ask her if it’s OK. So what’s that about Kym! I know she’s OK with it (already asked!) and it’s part of her job so I’m pretty sure she can handle it. I think it goes back to shame. Shame that I need to talk about it, and shame that my needs might affect her in some negative way. I think somewhere in my soul I don’t believe I’m worthy of making someone else feel bad or have to carry my garbage around. Hmmmm, might be worth working on.
So this blog and my experience last week has me wondering what other secrets I’m unconsciously keeping from my therapist that if I shared, could provide me with insights and an opportunity to grow.