V interesting read Joanna! I think I
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V interesting read Joanna! I think I acted out sexually as part of my ED when I was in my late teens, but it was slightly different. I was led to believe that my efforts were never good enough in whatever I did in life, my attempts were always deemed lousy and inferior....and so I somehow got it in to my head that maybe I could be "good at sex" and then at least I would be good at something and have some worth to someone. I was conscious that there was a line between people wanting to be with you because you were "good" at what you did, and people wanting to be with you because you were "easy" and they were guaranteed the sex,and you had "a reputation"....so I was very careful how I played this out. It was always well calculated, usually played out over several weeks or months, and I always tried to make sure that I gave them enough to ensure they wanted more, but not "everything"...whilst at the same time not being a tease and a flirt who didn't deliver the goods. I made sure they orgasmed at least twice, but didn't have penetrative sex - that was my way of convincing myself that it was okay...and of making sure that they would want to see me again, just so that I could "think about it" for a while and soak up the attention and the compliments before declining. I developed a persona that wasn't the real me, this person was confident, she always took the lead, she was always in control, she would never feel "used" by them, because she felt she was using them far more than they were using her. I guess the 3 things that mattered were to feel a) good at something, b) wanted by someone, c) powerful and in control It all came to an end when things didn't quite go to plan and I fell in love with one of them and entered into a long-term relationship with him....it was never a good relationship, but I clung onto it nonetheless because I was so desperate to believe that I was loveable.